Sunday, May 17, 2009
All my new posts will be there.
I hope you will follow me to the new blogsite
I did this because yahoo.com, where my old e-mail account was, was asking intrusive questions along the lines of the new requirements to board aircraft.
And I wanted to use my new name: c* mare
If you have any questions, please contact me.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Not so fast, right.
Nothing is likely to begin friendships other than freeing myself from pain.
It's not happy to be this poison -er.
Hunter is Goddess.
Must move .
Artemis, please release an arrow !!!
Homely clients need not play.
Bitch wanted love, and was proud.
Find girls in the life.
Monday, May 11, 2009
The fact is that there is no single way to arrive at readable writing that expresses something important to the writer or to the reader.
I have been as varied in my approach as I can be within the limits, usually, of some sort of seriousness of intent and often content.
In this moment, I would rather throw all that by the wayside.
Sometimes, as politics is too important to leave to politicians (or war to generals), writing is too important to be done as a compository set-piece.
The Goddess is -- TedslkdjflkejelkjrrA
Law is somehow fdjslkrjewaer
Gaze at me and you'll find a RSARSRSATRRR
Laazy Is Good.
Say, this is not all that productive -- but it is spontaneoius, so it brings something out of me that otherwise wouild not be ddffpresent. So, here goes!
Lamination is for all the good people who have insisted on their own way of living.
I hate the way that people find themselves to be some sort djkrl;akjsdrljkr
and I am jdfldkrer
Anmd there's a lot further to go.
Please be patient, as I am in the midst of devolution/deterioration/sinking to a bottome that I have to say is a kind of instrumentless landing in a fog over an unknown landscape.
I hope I'm still here when it's finished.
You are patient, so I thank you, gratefully, in advance.
There's just so many ways to avoid saying that Julia is very friendly.
To the wrong people, if you know what I mean: "friendly."
As in nearly 200 unprotected and often anonymous sexual encoiunters.
I'm going there.
Why is it that people have the idea that I am hoping for friends that will give me presence?
I am more interested in embracing all that is profound, invigorating and sensual about being a woman, and living a life that does not deny that to me or rto anyone else who can devote themselves to the pleasure that freedom can bring.
Please understand that there is joy, ecstasy and hope in even the emotional depths, unto the moment of death (I believe).
Can you please remember that all that is of this world/the Goddess/(EVERYTHING) is to embrace gratefully and humbly and with love and respect for ALL that is alive, which is to say, ALL.
When the end comes for me as JUlia/Estoril/Brigid I will panic, I will be afraid, and I will be home.
I hope I will be with you.
LOve and happiness,
Tears of Estoril.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
I'm just going to write whatever comes to mind, then go back (maybe) and edit it.
Right now I am having an existential panic attack over whether or not I can survive in this place. The fact is that I HATE the people here. I know that I do really terrible things like look at women the wrong way, disrespect people because of race and class, etc., etc. But that is for the most part something that takes place in my own brain and I am constantly striving not to let that be the basis of what I believe or how I act.
Today I went to the movies with my mother. I just could not stand the way people were looking at me as an object of amusement and as subhuman. These people are local yokel fool/redneck/stupid/arrogant/mean/bitches and their loutish mates. If I had any guts I would have called them out, leading of course to being hospitalized or jailed. Maybe it's worth it. AFter all, it was day time and probably they weren't armed. Instead I imitated how they were looking at me, at my Mother, so SHE would "know how it felt," WHICH WAS DIsrespectful to her. Then I just left. I couldn't stand it. So I bought a book: The collected Oscar Wilde. Good choice.
Then I walked to the parking lot and my Mother drove me home.
The movie was STAR TREK!
Anyway I felt devastated, angry, hopeless and at my wit's end. It appears that I don't belong here or anywhere else, and for whatever combination of reasons I allow myself not to stand up for myself. I felt like smoking crack and made an abortive attempt to find some. I made the remark to my mother, who chided me for doing drugs, and finding them more important than anything else (not true), that what I found was a problem were people who decided to be just like everybody else instead of being themselves. I think that hit home. It did nothing for our "relationship" this beautiful Mother's day.
Then I made the mistake of making an emergency call to my brand new therapist, that absolutely worthless son of a bitch. He managed to listen to me through my tears, said a few perfunctory "I hear you's " or something along those lines and AGREED with me! that I should lie down for a while.
I felt like tearing down this world, or myself or both, and I get to go to bed.
I am extremely frustrated. I am isolated. and this is a danger for my (see title) BASIC survival.
As far as I'm concerned, the people who advocated that I come here did so out of either a misguided sense of pity or an active desire to keep me away from them. My readers can guess who is who.
I don't know where to go, because I did make the decision not to go back to New York. Right now, I just feel like hitting it, except my mohter wouild probably a) beg me, cry, etc. not to go b) have me hospitalized; which is, I haven't said here, what she wouild like to do -- LONG TERM. She has the illusion that there are places for people like me. The only place for people like me is to fight or die, and I'm not going to let anybody decide for me which it's going to be.
So to those of you who know what I'm saying, I salute you for your struggles every day; and for those of you who don't, or dont' "care." FUCK YOU AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON.!
Friday, May 8, 2009
fIND A WAY OUT OF MY mother's house.
Understand my decision not to go back to New York
Train my new psychiatrist and therapist
Learn to accept the future I have embraced while not walking over others in the process.
Not see myself as subhuman for liking to do what I do -- orlet others see me that way.
Write, research, work for money as tutor/personal care assistant/office-retail worker/lowpaid service worker
Prove to others that instability is not all bad , even if it's not what it's cracked up to be.
Embrace myself and new friends.
Get people here to understand just how far behind they are in their politics and thinking.
Find someone with emotions that they aren't afraid to talk about.
Be very very careful about how/whether I involve myself in side activities.
All of the above seems extremely reasonable and desirable to me, and I believe I deserve change in a "positive" direction.
I hope that if I offend anyone with my behavior or words, that you will let me know that I have done so, so that I can not do it to you or anyone else again.
Jeez, this coffee makes me optimistic -- the next illegal drug.
I really want my readers to understand that though I may be in isolation for a reason (many of them), I am still committed to advance our cause insofar as it is the cause of justice, and I will talk to and behave according to the needs of anyone whose life has made them the object of hatred, scorn, ridicule or violence.
I've been there in some ways myself.
I really am needing to feel that someone out there is metaphorically holding their arms out to me, that I am not reaching out to thin air.
Suggestions as to how I can change, or whether I shoiuld just move on and barrel along at full speed toward my destiny, are welcome!
Love, the Queen of the Portuguese Beach Resorts
Monday, May 4, 2009
A Seed Creates A Tree
Fruit Nourishes Seed(s)
It finally occurred to me that my appearance of non-happiness is simply a holdover from the days when people continually questioned why I'm not happy. Appearing non-happy is therefore not my fault!!!!!!!
The streak of preveiling wind/ing is treating this finally her to a beautiful and joyful outpouring of energy.
In other words, I'm going to be okay!
So, what's going on?
I believe that today there has been a pretty sharp realization that one person is not the Creator.
I am very happy and pleased to give reason (where reason is protection of life) and sustenance (of life) to my sister/sib/brother life forms.
You are all the reason for my being on this planet (ALIVE!) and I do not need to feel bad about myself or you or my need to be happy and feel the affection that I deeply need.
Please understand that you and I and we and they are all one.
Strong and helpful,
P.S. Thank you transaged activist for introducing me to the trannie in Minneapolis. A truly good and sweet person!