Basic Survival

This is one fucked up world

I'm just going to write whatever comes to mind, then go back (maybe) and edit it.

Right now I am having an existential panic attack over whether or not I can survive in this place. The fact is that I HATE the people here. I know that I do really terrible things like look at women the wrong way, disrespect people because of race and class, etc., etc. But that is for the most part something that takes place in my own brain and I am constantly striving not to let that be the basis of what I believe or how I act.

Today I went to the movies with my mother. I just could not stand the way people were looking at me as an object of amusement and as subhuman. These people are local yokel fool/redneck/stupid/arrogant/mean/bitches and their loutish mates. If I had any guts I would have called them out, leading of course to being hospitalized or jailed. Maybe it's worth it. AFter all, it was day time and probably they weren't armed. Instead I imitated how they were looking at me, at my Mother, so SHE would "know how it felt," WHICH WAS DIsrespectful to her. Then I just left. I couldn't stand it. So I bought a book: The collected Oscar Wilde. Good choice.

Then I walked to the parking lot and my Mother drove me home.

The movie was STAR TREK!

Anyway I felt devastated, angry, hopeless and at my wit's end. It appears that I don't belong here or anywhere else, and for whatever combination of reasons I allow myself not to stand up for myself. I felt like smoking crack and made an abortive attempt to find some. I made the remark to my mother, who chided me for doing drugs, and finding them more important than anything else (not true), that what I found was a problem were people who decided to be just like everybody else instead of being themselves. I think that hit home. It did nothing for our "relationship" this beautiful Mother's day.

Then I made the mistake of making an emergency call to my brand new therapist, that absolutely worthless son of a bitch. He managed to listen to me through my tears, said a few perfunctory "I hear you's " or something along those lines and AGREED with me! that I should lie down for a while.

I felt like tearing down this world, or myself or both, and I get to go to bed.

I am extremely frustrated. I am isolated. and this is a danger for my (see title) BASIC survival.

As far as I'm concerned, the people who advocated that I come here did so out of either a misguided sense of pity or an active desire to keep me away from them. My readers can guess who is who.

I don't know where to go, because I did make the decision not to go back to New York. Right now, I just feel like hitting it, except my mohter wouild probably a) beg me, cry, etc. not to go b) have me hospitalized; which is, I haven't said here, what she wouild like to do -- LONG TERM. She has the illusion that there are places for people like me. The only place for people like me is to fight or die, and I'm not going to let anybody decide for me which it's going to be.

So to those of you who know what I'm saying, I salute you for your struggles every day; and for those of you who don't, or dont' "care." FUCK YOU AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON.!