So, I admitted to my mother tonight that what I have done is wrong and that what I have wanted is wrong. This admission seems to have freed me from being afraid of life without removing the fear of the consequences of any particular decision. Got it?
I'm still afraid, but not of life, in other words.
I have been wrestling with whether or not to go back to New York (and when.) I already told my mother and my (new) therapist that that is what I wish to do at the end of next month. But I could not tell my (caring and patient) case manager to start the process of transferring my papers to whatever facility in the City or perhaps Upstate would wish to accept me.
The reasons I have for wishing to leave are: 1) that to stay here in SV, AZ has required suppressing my personality, freedom and independence in favor of security, and that tradeoff has drained me of much energy and is ultimately futile; 2) that should I relapse, the probability and extent of negative consequences and embarrassment to my family is much higher here than there; 3) the pool of potential community, personal and institutional support is much larger in NY; 4) the majority of people here are emotionally and intellectually nonresponsive; and 5) my mother won't give me keys to the house.
There is more to life than comfort and security, and there is the possibility that I simply have learned enough to be less stupid and more able to survive.
ON THE OTHER HAND, I've traveled this road before, and I'm not sure that simply being able to read the traffic signs a bit better is going to stop that tractor trailer called addiction/prostitution from mowing me down.
I have to be very realistic about what to expect.
The learning curve would be steep. I must put the survival thing before the high thing. And I must acknowledge that I often put myself at the mercy of people who see me as soft and dependent and do not care whether I reach my goals.
Or, I can at least try to obtain legitimate employment in this awful economy or go back to the wonderful Mountains where life, I mean rent is cheap.
Preparation is key. Perhaps delay for a month or so would help a great deal. It's going to be very trying to make a shift like this. Please know that this is the fact: A lot of persons need Julia / Estoril to be good to herself. I'm gonna think a lot more about this.
To Do: A Happy List and a Goal List.