Okay, as one of my readers suggested, I must tackle the problem of moving from my mother's house both from the aspect of what kind of person I am in the real world and what kind of things in the real material world are going to be necessary to make the move.
This may be a work in progress.....
I perform erotic functions AND YET I feel cynical and critical and afraid as well as unnecessarily aggressive about them. More here later.
I am a weepy sentimentalist yet I have a very difficult time giving to others what they need and what i need.
I love to learn but am afraid to teach.
I find most of the jobs I have had to be completely stifling.
I know that money is not the answer but that crack...isn't either, though I am betrothed to it.
Yes, I am a philosopher Queen! What is the wage for such as me these days?
Okay there's pretty clearly a straight line from the above to the kind of living conditions I need to thrive.
A physical environment with access to trees would be helpful.
The presence of academic institutions would be helpful.
Community values that do not automatically ostracize current/former sex workers/drug users
would be great.
Diversity in different kinds of people of all origins but heavy on elite scholarship for less elite people would be helpful.
A place where there are all kinds of religion and spirituality would be helpful.
It sounds like I'm thinking of an area replete with small liberal arts colleges such as the Northeast or other less well-known regions OR a place like City University of New York.
Now comes the reality of the street. Am I abandoning it or am I hewing to its values? So I need to be in a city with some sort of street culture. This means probably a medium size city at least.
Now add the fact that my work habits are not that steady, and you add probable impecuniousness to the mix.
Now of all of the above, there is much I can and will change. This is simply a first approximation to let me know what's at the top of my mind.
As for material facts, I need an area with relatively cheap rent that is not subject to constant warfare. I would prefer a one bedroom apartment to myself. I would prefer cable/internet/cell phone. I don't much need the movies or the malls. I need a place where I can be my soft lovable self and not be taken advantage of for it. I need a place with bus service, local and long distance, and a place not too deeply frozen in the winter nor boiling in the summer.
Cities I can think of that match the above:
Those Private School places in Massachusetts, Vermont and New Hampshire
Portland, Or. Area
Choices, Choices, Choices
Moving to any of these cities would cost a minimum of 4,000 dollars, which I will have by June., meaning the actual price will be much more than that unless I have friends already in those places. And I have few anywhere except Brooklyn and Portland, where my brother lives., which would still be like going back to my family. I might contact people I knew in graduate school, who since they nearly unanimously rejected me when I came out might not be interested in helpoing me now, or I could contact the local trans organization, should there be one, about living conditions there. I'm hoping I can work through all of this in the next three months -- at the same time letting only those who need to know in on this process. I'm hoping that one of those can be my new therapist.
So, thank you, blogue, for making it clear how much work I have to do. I will return to you soon.