It's a Quarter Past Three, and nobody's here but me and me

To DO:

fIND A WAY OUT OF MY mother's house.

Understand my decision not to go back to New York

Train my new psychiatrist and therapist

Learn to accept the future I have embraced while not walking over others in the process.

Not see myself as subhuman for liking to do what I do -- orlet others see me that way.

Write, research, work for money as tutor/personal care assistant/office-retail worker/lowpaid service worker

Prove to others that instability is not all bad , even if it's not what it's cracked up to be.

Embrace myself and new friends.

Get people here to understand just how far behind they are in their politics and thinking.

Find someone with emotions that they aren't afraid to talk about.

Be very very careful about how/whether I involve myself in side activities.

Be happy

All of the above seems extremely reasonable and desirable to me, and I believe I deserve change in a "positive" direction.

I hope that if I offend anyone with my behavior or words, that you will let me know that I have done so, so that I can not do it to you or anyone else again.

Jeez, this coffee makes me optimistic -- the next illegal drug.

I really want my readers to understand that though I may be in isolation for a reason (many of them), I am still committed to advance our cause insofar as it is the cause of justice, and I will talk to and behave according to the needs of anyone whose life has made them the object of hatred, scorn, ridicule or violence.

I've been there in some ways myself.

I really am needing to feel that someone out there is metaphorically holding their arms out to me, that I am not reaching out to thin air.

Suggestions as to how I can change, or whether I shoiuld just move on and barrel along at full speed toward my destiny, are welcome!


Love, the Queen of the Portuguese Beach Resorts

I'm fucked, and I'm going with it

See above

The Eternal Verities of Life

A Tree Creates Fruit

A Seed Creates A Tree

Fruit Nourishes Seed(s)




It finally occurred to me that my appearance of non-happiness is simply a holdover from the days when people continually questioned why I'm not happy. Appearing non-happy is therefore not my fault!!!!!!!

Yeay!



Blast-off!

The streak of preveiling wind/ing is treating this finally her to a beautiful and joyful outpouring of energy.

In other words, I'm going to be okay!

So, what's going on?

I believe that today there has been a pretty sharp realization that one person is not the Creator.

I am very happy and pleased to give reason (where reason is protection of life) and sustenance (of life) to my sister/sib/brother life forms.

You are all the reason for my being on this planet (ALIVE!) and I do not need to feel bad about myself or you or my need to be happy and feel the affection that I deeply need.

Please understand that you and I and we and they are all one.

Be happy

Strong and helpful,

Estoril

Julia

P.S. Thank you transaged activist for introducing me to the trannie in Minneapolis. A truly good and sweet person!

Poetry from the Bored

Noticeable Affectations

Julia Murray

Saturnian brain
Pavlovian plain
Aggressive Act
Lesbian Pact

(Malory release
Janine chalice)

Moment crying
Lover lying

* * *

Roses helping
Bees receiving

Breath embracing
Will/i/am chasing.

End the Drug War

One of my readers kindly related to me some anecdotes which I think reveal much about the spirit and motivation of the "War against Drugs," along with a clear picture of just who is victimizing whom.

First is the situation of a friend of mine and hers and of another reader of mine, none of whom I will name here. He is a former heroin user, who stopped using at least ten years ago, whose treatment on the so-called alternative Methadone ruined his teeth. Right now he is suffering from a severe infection in his mouth which is leaving him in agony. The New York University School? of Dentistry has refused to give him antibiotics, much less pain killers for the simple reason that he used to use drugs. The implication, blatant as usual, is that as a EX-drug user his life is worth nothing, no matter that he is an incredibly sweet and hard working person who basically just wants the best for everyone. Please ask your Deit(ies) that NYU changes its policy, and that my friend survives this horrendous attack against his dignity and his life.

Second is the fact that these days hospitals are forcing people to go through withdrawal without proper medications, just leaving them to the pains and tortures of surviving GETTING OFF a drug. The health care "professionals" taunt their patient/victims by telling them it is their fault what they have done and that, it is implied, (or perhaps said outright) that they deserve to suffer.

A third anecdote is something I personally saw in State Rehab on Ward's Island: Posters on bulletin boards saying, in effect : "Don't like Recovery? There's always Rikers."!!!!! You may draw your own conclusions.

The Drug War is now and always has been about MONEY for Doctors, Insurers and Drug Companies. But the beneficiary of that money going to said social scavengers is the government of the Rich. They have found no better way to target populations and divide (and kill) people. As so often, the government sets up a supposed target (drugs and drug cartels) to cover what they are doing in reality. The basic methods are the methods I've witnessed so many times in police actions and in government-controlled institutions: segregate, demonize, divide and conquer. The interesting fact is that in none of these tactics are the major sources of drug money affected. The War, as it seems all wars, is against the people the government is supposedly trying to protect. They are the major casualties, as well as the social sacrifices which the money machine can feed on, sometimes all too literally. Death, fear of death and fear of each other are the bottom line tools which have decimated so many.

It's a way to kill EVERYBODY.

I think that for drug users, ex-drug users and non-drug users, we need to refuse to go along with the program that is hurting all of us.

Love,

Estoril, with Tears.

(I like to be happy)

Arrogance by Dance

Back in the past:

Not wanting to go on at great length along the lines of the outline in the brackets below, let me just describe a scene from the past.

Place: Transie House

Time: Day, 15 years ago

Dramatis Personae: Myself, nextdoor neighbor's girl Angela, age 3-6, (outside on adjoining stoops) and additional denizens of transie house (inside in living room).

In some relationship to what I do, there is a fearful discussion of our security in the neighborhood, whether prompted by my actions or prior to them. I jump out on to the landing in my miniskirt (naturally) and brief top and start doing my typical go-go dancing for the benefit of anyone who may be watching. Inside there is shock. Outside the neighbor girl smiles in glee and starts dancing with me.

If going outside social norms, "arrogantly," makes a small girl smile and gives her some idea of a certain kind of femininity she can find in herself if she so wishes, then I am glad I did dance.

Postscript:

15 years later I am still living down feelings not only of arrogance but of its opposite, a hypertrophied, if that would be the word, withdrawal from reality, a fear to engage. Now this was a development long in the making, not beginning with a simple and pleasurable dance near the street, but perhaps if people really were accepting of each other in our community, then there would be no judgment of people who occasionally bring attention to themselves rather than hide away. There can be positive results for everyone involved. (Of course, 15 years later, no one really cares about that or any possible repeat performance -- by someone else)

I only wish that in this society, where the arrogant and the exhibitionist are accused of such by those whose primary motivation is to disguise their own arrogance and power and to reduce the freedoms that have been so hard won, that we could step back a moment and realize that the Paris Hiltons and Lindsay Lohans of the world have a place in the development of women's power; and that their troubles are those created by an outside world that rejects any kind of commitment to being one's own person.

I also hope that someday that taking risks is not a one way road to endangering oneself and others in the true sense: drug addiction, homelessness, marginalization, hopelessness. Because I recognize that is often the reality. I cannot judge the reaction of others any more than I wish they judge my little hip-swinging mama imitation.

When the time arrives that fear of crime and of each other, via straight people's abuse of our community, subsides, I hope that the parties that used to erupt spontaneously even in Park Slope, New York return, and I hope there's plenty of freedom to DANCE that goes along with them.

Love, Joo Lee A Store Ill

[BIG Conscience? Hamlet soliliquy? Murders' conscience: what is conscience? Arrogance and Dancing in the Street: Making Angela smile]

Julia's gotta Jam

Say, there, little one, home is good.

Tell me that love is a rose!??

Hand it over to me, big girl -- I've been working at it, and there's a lot to bring forth.

People all would like to see the dreams of the world free from strife and fear.

SO

Love the dark as long as you can love your own life's blood.

There's a famous prayer that there be life everlasting.

Maybe with all the anger and the despair, the grief and hopelessness, wars will teach us that there's only life, that people are love.

Of course, there can be no freedom without sex. And for once let me just draw for us the strength and the power to give as siblings home to each other.

[You might want to know why in the world I expect to get anywhere always writing of home and love as if they are identical and the absolute necessities for human existence that I perceive them to be. It is because home is the body, the beginning and the end of that body, and the sustenance of life from beginning to end. So far, only a few people have managed to be able to keep themselves in the home they need for their whole lives, but maybe that will change. This is not simply idealization. If your body is not your home, then what is? If your body did not come from the home of your mother's womb, then what is human? If you cannot obtain, give or create shelter, then where is survival, comity, kindness and family?]

Be nice to yourself.


Love,

Estoril CUMAEA, Sybil of Sierra Vista.

Oh, just spoke to Dr. Bartalos. Once again I'm working my way back to the big City. Treatment here for transsexuals is virtually nonexistent. I simply want a hormone shot(safely), and a referral to someone somewhere who will give one to me later.

The actress is that beauty loved rose.

2 points if you can guess who was who.