Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Freaked out!

Oh my God, I'm afraid.

I was going to go to New York toward the end of this month.

Now, not so likely.

But that's only part of the fear.

My neighbor brought me over to her room.

By the time I was done visiting (10 minutes later) I was so afraid that I went directly to bed and tried to stop from imploding. Tense, difficult to breathe, never wanting to see her again.

She has a black dress I gave her. I want it back.

I was so scared that I had seen an image of death and that she was making me feel like a woman who was a bad person. Perhaps i never understood that people can be so afraid and so cruel.

Perhaps I will never be able to know how to feel without being a crackhead.

I don't know why or what caused me to be in such dread. I hope I never feel it again.

I'm sorry there's no rationality to this. What happened had nothing to do with "rational."

I never will find a way to convey this fear and dark cruelty.

Don't assume that people will give you kindness when they are the person that you were.

If you can't understand this, welcome to the club.

I need to rest. I hope I can find some calm and peace tomorrow.

I love you, Ms. Pitts, and others of my readers.

Good night.

1 comment:

  1. I love you too, Darlin' ! (Too corny?)

    I don't mean to oversimplify what happened but it sounds like you had a severe panic attack. The feeling of absolute terror, the doom of impending death and the residual hostility all seem to fit the bill.

    Sometimes certain medications can exaggerate anxiety symptoms, especially if they have a stimulant effect. When these feelings start to come on, try to recognize what's happening. Your mind, for whatever reason believes that you are in danger and alerts the rest of the body o prepare for "fight or flight." This may not cause the symptoms to go away but it can give you a bit of leverage.

    Have you thought about taking a vacation to New York City first? Just to get the lay of the land again. Maybe check out some possible places on your own? A week or two would give you the much needed release from frustration and a realistic view of the possibilities (and dangers). You would be able to gage what life there would be like... how you would "fit" into that scene, etc. Plus, your Mother might be able to deal with news of a trip.

    Just a thought..