The rest of the story:
Jamie (anon.), is being a rose.
I think that's okay.
There's only a few ways to overcome adversity.
The one that I believe in adhering to strongly is giving to oneself the power to act in one's best interests. This power can only derive from belief in oneself as a living and growing being none of the flaws or qualities of which predestine one's fate. Choice about where, how and why to extend one's mental, physical and spiritual tendrils stems ultimately, thanks to the way the Goddess has structured the universe, from me.
Sometimes, however, other people's energy is destructive to one for any variety of reasons, and exposure to this energy may prove deeply damaging to an attempt to be self-sufficient as far as emotions and needs for security, love and tolerable conditions of existence go.
I have many, many distortions in my ability to show and receive affection, respect, etc. due to energy blocks of long standing deriving from my early life. I wish to let go of these blocks and take hold of my own power to make a set of friendships that will sustain me and by which I can sustain others. The reason that I mention this person I have called Jamie is that I for a long time did not understand that people who have not taken responsibility for themselves, such as me, do not ultimately have the capacity to share, to communicate, to protect, to render tolerable the conditions of one's own life to the lives of others. In other words, I mistakenly have treated others have sources of energy in an effort to avoid taking responsibility. I am my self in this moment feeling that all the work I have done on myself these past 2-3 years has led to the knowledge that this responsibility starts with being nice to yourself, then self-assertion, then presentation of oneself in other people's lives. I have gone, basically, backwards in these steps, and now I must retrace them, probably with a quite different set of people in a quite different environment than the ones I found so enchanting for so many years.
I can only hope that as a rose myself that there can be well-wishing from other roses/admiration for growth in appearance and presence and maturity. (Even as we're all trying to reach for those all-important sources of sustenance in the divine.)
There's a lot to look forward to. Battling the atrocities of the local mental health system has become a very strong need in order to protect my own life. TAking charge of myself is really the answer to so much. I want to read War and Peace/many other books and continue to write about them and the perceptions I have of politics, literature, and life in some vivid and sustaining way.
So, for now...
Oh, by the way, I met a nice doctor. I'll let you know more later.