Tuesday, January 6, 2009

sibylline cumaeantary #2

There was an error that I don't care to put in the work to correct, so I'm starting over.

The thought that I have is that starting to write isn't easy -- so I'll just do a little automatic typing. How have you been? Do you believe in dfjdlkjf;lakjdr?

For instance, there's an unfortunate amount of communication I feel I have to do.

I'll start with saying that I hope to use this blog as the main place for my writing, communicating, etc., thoughts that are not entirely personal, for instance, politics, religion, spirituality, sexuality, relationships, all kinds of poetry, ideas for projects, the projects themselves, etc., etc. I'm sorta kinda trying to prove to myself that there is something in my noggin to bring out.

First, to the bloggers at greenfrogcafe.blogspot.com:

I feel that among all the people I have encountered in my life, especially of the last 17.582 years, you are those upon whom I have placed the most demands, from whom I have insisted on the most attention and to whom I have possibly caused the most damage.

It is probably too late to do much about any of that if that is true. And I know that you're not going to admit that what I suspect happened actually happened: My behavior nearly completely disrupted your lives. I cannot apologize for everything I have done, because some of it was necessary for me to leave behind the past, to alter my relationship to the world, etc.

It is within my memory the high hopes we shared in Bellmore at Camp and Newbridge. It is within my memory many of the extraordinary moments we shared that we had the ambition to share with the rest of the world. It is within my memory your expectations that I fully was engaged in these projects to the extent that I would devote my energy to them together with you. To that end, you deferred to my judgment in the selection of the building that would later become Transie House, you allowed me to move in Kristianna, you brought me into a world of communication and liberation and unconditional love which reflected your strong spiritual and emotional commitments to the Goddess and her place in the world of transsexuality.

Naturally I disappointed you, not just through acting out and endangering myself and others, but by withdrawing my skills and abilities so that they would serve me, for I began to think I could be, would be, a shining star on my own. It was selfish of me, and I regret not contributing in the way I might have. I think much would have been different and better. Transie House could have been the center of education and culture for all in our communities that we, I believe, wanted to create.

It did indeed become a school of education in the culture of survival for me and many others, and a strong communal place for political change and for mutual support (within limits) but it never reflected the heights of creativity that it might have expressed. I think that, to put it plainly, I wanted to run the place, rather than work together with you, and being the first to drop out of the common endeavor, it may have been me who was the source of some of the disastrous instability and vile conflict and physical deterioration of the building that took place.

I know that in any case, from what I have learned in the midst of others of my kind, that some toll would have been exacted from especially Rusty due to the simultaneous demands for order, freedom and security that arose. But possibly Transy House might have been more peaceful and more in touch with reality if I had been.

So, the memories are fantastic, and I wouldn't be the person I am today without you, and I hope you do stay in touch. I want to assure you that I have worked out the bulk of the violent fantasies I have had, and I do not wish to endanger you or one (or two?) who are very dear to you, and also at some level, to me.

Rusty, you may now mention me in your Blog.

I don't know when or if I will see you soon, but please, the next time you are at Green Frog Cafe, say a blessing on the place for me.

My best to all.

EStoril Brigid Cumaea

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